AkuRoku Bad Pickup Lines
by Tekalali
Summary: Axel had to impress Roxas but... were bad pickup lines really the right way to do it?


**FOR CYDNEY! Because it's her birthday and she's awesome. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Please enjoy the cringe worthy fic. :D**

* * *

Roxas had this thing that he did every Friday night, he'd done it for six months now and he'd probably do it for a lot longer thanks to his brother –if he managed to keep his job for that long.

Roxas would never understand _why_ Cloud needed him to sit in the bar on a Friday and _only_ on a Friday (since he worked there four days a week) but he did. Roxas never complained though he just went along with it because to be honest he didn't want to spend his Friday night alone at home so why not? He also imagined that going to the bar would be quite nice if he could drink while he was there, but instead Roxas had been volunteered by his brother to be the designated driver because –even though he was working- Cloud would always accept the drinks offered to him by the patrons, meaning Roxas was their ticket home at the end of the night.

Tonight would probably be the same. He'd sit down, order a coke or something equally boring and spend the next five hours drinking it while Cloud wandered back and forth serving people their drinks. It never got particularly busy in the bar even for a Friday. It only really held a pool table, jukebox and a lot of tables –which Roxas would usually clean to help Cloud out a little. Sometimes a card game would break out on a table or two but the place was surprisingly civilised. There were no fights, no rowdy customers and everyone kept to themselves, Roxas included, so tonight would be the same as ever.

He did his usual thing and sat there for an hour or so before the odd occurrence happened. The door opened to reveal a new patron (which was normal), so Roxas didn't pay the person any mind and just continued to spin his glass slowly, he didn't give the newcomer any of his attention until said person's elbow came into view in the corner of Roxas' vision, it rested on the bar beside him and Roxas looked at the elbow before following it up to the stranger's face, a face with bright green eyes which twinkled with mischief, a mane of striking red spikes atop of it, two distinct diamond like tattoos and a grinning mouth full of exceptionally white teeth. Roxas had spent enough time in bars to already know that _that_ look in _this_ kind of place was never good. He held his breath in anticipation and hoped nothing weird was going to happen.

"Hey there cute stuff, do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?" Roxas was rendered speechless. Of all the things he imagined happening in this scenario, cheesy pickup lines was not in that list. Maybe a crude comment or a 'can I buy you a drink' but nothing something quite so outrageous. That line belonged in a different era, one where it didn't sound so creepy.

The stranger continued to grin while the blond composed himself, the bizarre encounter knocked him off balance somewhat and he sat and gawked at the redhead. Finally Roxas blinked, registered what had just happened and frowned, he hated stuff like this and the redhead wouldn't be getting away with it, "you should walk by again, but this time keep walking," he bit but instead of the redhead taking offence he just shrugged and walked to a table to Roxas' right where two of the regulars sat, a sandy blond haired guy with a Mohawk/Mullet combo and his steel haired emo boyfriend- and Roxas knew they were boyfriends because the blond would occasionally lean over and kiss his lover on the cheek while the other read his book. It shocked Roxas when he first saw it only because PDA was so rare and this bar didn't look particularly inviting, though none of the other regulars ever judged the two men, in fact when any outsiders decided to butt in with their own comments the others would kick the intruders out.

"What was that all about?" Cloud questioned as he approached his brother while cleaning a glass and staring over at the redhead.

Roxas sighed, "I have no idea," he answered and went back to spinning his glass.

* * *

By the time Friday rolled around again the blond had almost completely forgotten about the previous weeks encounter and the creepy redhead. He went to the bar for a completely normal night and as usual it was going fine, but much like the previous week after an hour of sitting around the door opened and the redhead approached Roxas again, said blond looked up at the stranger and frowned, the memory returning to him as the other male just smiled again.

This time the redhead tried an alluring approach (which immediately didn't work for Roxas) and placed his chin in his palm, staring deeply into the blonde's eyes as the other looked at him sceptically and moved back slightly to keep his face away from the creeper's. "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together," the redhead said quite smoothly and this time Roxas almost laughed, -'almost' being the important word here- but instead he sighed heavily and just looked away, there was no way he had a reply to that one, it was terrible and Roxas didn't want to dignify the redhead with conversation after such an appalling attempt to woo him so he returned to giving his glass his attention and the stranger walked away again, just like he had before and just like the previous week Cloud approached his brother once the creepy guy had left.

"You know, I think he likes you," the older blond observed with an amused grin but retreated to the other side of the bar when his younger brother glared at him.

The next day Roxas met up with his friend Sora to discuss this encounter of his, as usual the brunet was late and skipped over to Roxas' table outside of the ice-cream parlour half an hour after he was supposed to as if everything was normal and without an apology. "You do realise you're half an hour late right?" Roxas asked, slightly irritable, he'd finished his shift at the parlour an hour ago and had hoped to avoid Marluxia's hovering and 'touchy feely' tendencies. So far he had not been successful which only increased his irritation towards Sora.

"I know, sorry," Sora apologised flippantly and tried to laugh it off but Roxas just glared at him. "So, what do you want to talk about?" he asked.

"Hey Sora!" Marluxia suddenly interrupted the pair as he stood beside Roxas and smiled at the brunet across the table. Marluxia suited working in a place like this with his perky attitude and bubble gum pink hair, he attracted a lot of people, customers and otherwise. "What can I get you?"

"Sea Salt Ice Cream for me please Marly," the brunet grinned and the pink haired male wrote it down before turning to Roxas and placing a hand on his shoulder making the blonde's skin prickle uncomfortably.

"Anything for you Rox?" he asked in a voice that Roxas could only assume was supposed to be alluring. He wanted to gag.

"I'm good, thanks Marluxia," the blond finally managed to say without shuddering in discomfort and the pink haired boy nodded with a "let me know if you change your mind," before walking away.

Roxas fixed his glare on Sora as the brunet snickered behind his hand and the blond kicked him under the table. "Ouch! Ok, I'm sorry," he giggled and rubbed his abused shin. "So spill, you said you had something funny to tell me," Sora ushered once Marluxia handed him his ice cream and left.

Roxas sighed, unsure whether he wanted to have this conversation anymore or not. Would Sora give the blond some sound advice? Or would he just laugh at the blonde's expense? Though they both knew Roxas would beat the crap out of Sora if he did that he'd probably still do it anyway. "I've had this super weird… encounter at the bar," he admitted, remembering the redhead who had… Roxas couldn't even call it hitting on him; the redhead had made no further attempt other than a couple of cheesy pickup lines to woo him and the blond hadn't seen him since. Honestly he didn't even know what to call this 'thing' that had happened, an encounter was probably the closest he could get to calling it anything at all. "A guy came in twice and tried these really terrible pickup lines on me."

Sora suddenly choked on his ice cream and coughed violently to cover his laughter. Roxas glared once again. "What did he say?" Sora asked enthusiastically with amusement shining on his face.

"I don't remember," Roxas waved him off though it wasn't entirely true, he just didn't want to relive the embarrassment.

"So…" Sora trailed off and stared at Roxas.

"So," the blond repeated, "what do I do?" He'd hoped Sora would say something insightful, he'd been in a relationship with Riku for two years now so he was the only person Roxas knew who could tell him what to do when being 'hit on' - if that's what was happening here.

"Either tell him to back off or ride this out for your own amusement." Sora offered with a shrug which didn't encourage the blond. "Is he good looking?"

Roxas was silent, he hadn't really thought about it. With the lines he was feeding the blond Roxas only really considered him to be sleazy, but if he took that away and really thought about the guy's features he was kind of good looking. "You know," the brunet continued, "you could try flirting back?" he offered nonchalantly so Roxas didn't get too offended but the blond did anyway.

"You're useless," Roxas mumbled and stood abruptly from the table with Sora on his heels apologising all the way to the train station.

* * *

"How did it go with Sora last week?" Cloud struck up some conversation with his brother while there were no customers to serve and Roxas sighed causing more condensation on his glass.

"Don't ask," he replied pessimistically and Cloud shrugged, walking away to replace the glass on the shelf and the door to the bar opened making Roxas' stomach drop like it had every time someone had entered since the blond arrived.

But Roxas didn't look up, he hoped that if he didn't acknowledge anyone then he could pass for being invisible and it had worked up to now. But not this time. As the arm invaded his sight again Roxas' heart dropped and he would have bashed if head against the table if it wouldn't make him look like a freak, but instead he stayed still and pretended he hadn't noticed the hand only a couple of inches from his own. He wanted to break it. "Was that an earthquake?" The sleek, husky voice asked and Roxas wished he could teleport out of here to avoid this embarrassment. He slowly looked at the redhead with a less than amused expression, but the stranger continued to grin and look into Roxas' eyes with confidence, "or did you just rock my world?"

Roxas tutted and shook his head before looking away this time. Sora was totally wrong; he just couldn't flirt with this moron, the idea made him cringe. Once again the redhead departed without another word and Cloud reappeared with a frown on his face, "do you want me to hit him? Because I can totally hit him for you," he offered and though Roxas rolled his eyes and shook his head at his brother he couldn't help but smile at both Cloud _and_ the stranger. This was actually getting pretty interesting, so maybe Roxas would let the redhead keep going until he impressed him. It would be a challenge, but the blond bet that the redhead was up to it.

* * *

After two weeks Roxas found himself looking forward to this short meeting with the strange redhead, after three he was smiling on his way to the bar and after four Roxas started staring at the clock behind the bar instead of his drink. The stranger had yet to impress him and Roxas started to wonder how the redhead could sleep at night knowing that he'd said such embarrassing things to a perfect stranger. After the 'earthquake' line the redhead had picked lines from the creative "Are you an interior decorator? 'Cause when I saw you, the room became beautiful," to the less impressive "you're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line." And Roxas' personal worst choice, "no wonder the sky is grey today; all the blue is in your eyes."

Still the redhead had not chosen a line good enough to make Roxas laugh and with many a stern look the redhead left defeated but obviously optimistic and though the blond would never show it to the redhead he sometimes smiled once he was gone, an effect which finally compelled Cloud to stop glaring and overcharging the redhead for his drinks.

The two month mark reared its head with Roxas in good spirits and walking into the bar with a small smile on his face which Cloud returned and handed him his ice tea since it was so hot outside. He took his seat and his drink gratefully and watched as a few of the regulars (including the sandy blond and his slate haired boyfriend) pour into the bar and get their drinks. An hour in Roxas was reading irritating texts from Sora who was mocking him for the enthusiasm he was showing towards seeing this redheaded stranger. _'Maybe I should come to the bar tonight.' _The brunet said and Roxas glared at his phone.

'Do it and I'll break your legs!' he promised before pocketing his phone with a sigh and rubbed at his tired eyes.

The chair beside Roxas shuffled and he turned to look at the redhead who had dressed for the weather in a black wife beater and floral surfing shorts. Roxas had started to enjoy checking the man out when he arrived and realised that perhaps he was getting a bit_ too_ hopeful that the redhead would impress him.

'_What will it be today then?' _he wondered in his head as he watched the stranger smile alluringly at him.

Roxas waited patiently while staring at the redhead, expertly keeping his face blank and the curiosity out of his eyes, "if I were a function you'd be my asymptote, because I always tend towards you."

Without realising it a flash of excitement crossed Roxas' eyes and it took a lot of effort not to smile. So he was taking a different approach now. And the blond couldn't deny that the nerdy side of him was impressed by this one but unless it undeniably made him laugh then he could hold it in and this one (although close) just didn't cut it and with a roll of his eyes and blank expression still in place he looked away and shuffled in his seat so he was sitting forward again, but the redhead didn't move immediately, just grinned for a long moment and let out a chuckle before walking towards his friends. "That must have been a good one, I might offer him a free drink," Cloud commented when he appeared and for the first time since this started Roxas cast a glance over his shoulder at the stranger who caught his eye and winked. And with that action (though the blond was yet to realise it) the redhead had won.

* * *

"What's happening with this redhead guy then? Have you let him take you out yet?" Sora asked while lazing on Roxas' couch, the blond had invited the brunet round when he'd had five consecutive texts complaining he was bored and Riku was at work. Roxas regretted the decision to let him invade his house during study time and wished he'd just turned his phone off; he hadn't read a single line of his textbook since Sora arrived so with a sigh Roxas closed the book and looked up at the annoyance reading a magazine on his couch.

"No," he deadpanned and went into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. It was Friday again but Roxas wouldn't be leaving for the bar for another five hours and he still had a chemistry paper to finish for university.

"Did you flirt with him?"

"No," Roxas deadpanned again.

"Seriously Roxas?" Sora sounded exasperated and Roxas glared at his best friend wondering why they still put up with each other.

"I'm just waiting for him to impress me Sora," the blond admitted and Sora frowned but said nothing to provoke Roxas.

"Well, let's hope he can do it otherwise Marluxia might actually try it on with you," the repulsed shudder Roxas gave made Sora smirk.

Roxas sat and contemplated the redhead while he waited at the bar and stared at the clock. He had approximately forty minutes before the mystery man arrived which gave Roxas plenty of time to wonder why he'd taken such a liking to the redhead in the first place. He hadn't even had a conversation with him yet - though in Roxas' mind if the redhead couldn't impress him then he wasn't worth a conversation.

He sighed, wiped the condensation from his glass and sat up straight in his seat, jumping slightly when he noticed a pair of green eyes staring at him with the same smile he always wore. Roxas didn't have time to compose himself and stared at the redhead, reminding himself not to point out that the stranger had scared the crap out of him. Roxas looked him over, today the redhead emitted confidence, more so than usual and with a smug grin and without hesitation the redhead said "if I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes."

Suddenly and without warning Roxas' shoulders began to shake and with no remorse he laughed hysterically, it had been the best line he'd ever heard and Roxas felt good for laughing and a little relieved that the redhead had won with such a hilarious pick up line. "I thought you'd like that one," the redhead grinned with pride and it took the blond a long moment to compose himself.

Once composed and breathing normally again Roxas put out his hand to the redhead, "hi, I'm Roxas," he smiled and the stranger took the hand offered to him.

"Nice to meet you Roxas, I'm Axel," and the blond was relieved he could finally put a name to the face.

"Axel," he repeated and continued to smile delightedly at the redhead.

"So Roxas, can I buy you a drink?" The redhead asked but before Roxas could answer Cloud appeared and answered for him.

"You most certainly can," he interrupted and placed two glasses in front of the pair.

* * *

"Remind me how long it took."

Axel chuckled, "two months."

"And what was the winning line?" Sora continued his inquisition.

"It was a biology line, you wouldn't get it," he said as he placed a tray of cups on the table.

"Was it really worth it?" Sora asked sceptically, sending a doubtful glance to Roxas who glared and punched the brunet in the shoulder.

"You're asking me this two years later?" The redhead questioned and Sora shrugged. "Of course it was worth it," Axel said and pulled Roxas into his lap, hugging him close and Roxas giggled making Sora's face contort.

"Ok, I think we should go and leave you two love birds alone on your anniversary," Sora admitted and Riku smirked.

"Yeah, wouldn't want to interrupt all your alone time," he wiggled his eyebrows.

"Yeah, leave you party poopers, we have some special stuff planned for today," Axel retorted with a grin on his face and Sora shuddered.

"Alright! We're going! Too much information, bye guys," the brunet called as he pushed Riku out the door who called 'don't do anything I wouldn't' before the door was slammed behind them by Roxas.

The blond sighed and felt Axel wrap his arms around Roxas' small waist and kiss his neck tenderly. "Why are those two such pains in our ass?" Axel questioned.

"I think that's how they attracted each other," Roxas admitted and turned to face his boyfriend who smiled and kissed his softly on the lips, roaming his hands across the small of Roxas' back making the blond let out a sigh and slide his tongue to meet Axel's, his hands wrapping around the back of the redhead's neck to weave into his hair.

They stayed like that for a long moment, their lips locked until they parted with a light pop and Roxas' eyes flickered open. "So," he said in a husky tone, "what are our plans for our anniversary? You're not going to use anymore cheesy pickup lines on me are you?" he asked with a smirk and Axel chuckled.

"The only pickup line I need is 'I love you'," he admitted and pressed his forehead to Roxas' whose heart skipped a beat.

"I love you too," he smiled and kissed the boy again, Axel was right, that line would always be a winner.

* * *

**A/N: Ugh, FanFiction took my breakers. D: This was a super rush to upload so I didn't have time to check it or write a note at the bottom. I have no idea why I wanted to write something about bad pickup lines but I did so there.**

**Anyway, there's nothing much for me to write so I'll leave it at that. I realise it lacks fluff, I do apologise.**

**Kit out.~**


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